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It doesn't really seem like more than a couple of weeks since we finished the tour before Xmas. Maybe that's because it took me and my house about 3 weeks to recover from the New Year's party. That Rick, he had the usual crap time, you know, quiet, retiring etc, NOT!
I went to the football the next day to watch TWFMBFC. You know what they did? They only scored not one, not two, but THREE goals. It was sooo thoughtless of them. Everytime they scored, I made this noise, it was supposed to be a cheer, but came out sounding like a giant tortoise mating, and made me hang on to the bloke next to me in case I fainted from my exertions. It were that good at my house, 31/12/00. Where was I? Right, the re-scheduled Corn Exchange show. Not as much of a sweat box as I remembered it from before, but it was almost like a fan club convention. I seemed to know half of the audience by name! A little rusty was how we felt, but not at all bad, John Lewis etc. I read on the guest list how good you all thought it was, thanks a lot. One other thing I noticed on the message board. Andrew Bown has NOT left the band, or been sacked by Francis Rossi, as some dork woman wrote. What part of shut it don't you understand? 'Nuff said... On with the Tour that never ends.. We always look forward to Holland. The Dutch are that rare breed, people who can really get out of it, and have a brilliant time. Complete nutters, chucking beer up in the air (what a waste), crashing in to each other, and that's just the security staff!. No, it seems the only place that is so mad, and happy is Holland. Maybe that's because the old Bob Hope is legal, I don't know, but they ROCK! Crook and the team were there, as was the lovely Maureen Ipayyourwages don'tknowyourlastname person... It really does move you up a level when you get a response like we did from the billy. I don't know what the sound was like, as the room didn't look too promising, but when you play really tight it helps the sound engineer loads. We were extremely tight that night, and had a great time. Then it was all on the charabanc for the overnighter to Braunschweig, in Germany. I finally got is sussed for sleeping on a bus. It involves going bunkside early with a good book, and half a Rohypnol. Result? No reading, and 9 straight hours sleep. With a sleeping pill, it's like being kicked in the head by a foam rubber donkey's leg, a weird and not particularly nice way to sleep. I wouldn't really recommend it, but a man's got to do.... 
The gig in Braunschweig was mega. Just how I like it, really really hot, packed to the rafters, and billy right in your face. Big high fumf (I think that's 5 in Deutsch) to my 2 lovely German Fraulines and Angie, my first fan when I joined the band. In the afternoon, Rick, Matt, Paul and myself did a live Radio show, but not Francis, who in fact had quite a nasty cold, and decided to save himself for the show, which I'm sure was the best thing to do. You'd never have known he was feeling dreadful, that man is a SERIOUS Trooper... The only hassle was getting to Hannover for the Radio. So those nice people at Radio 21 laid on a chopper (a double entendre? Moi? Perish the thought!) to take us there, picked us up from right by the gig, it was Matt and Paul's first time on a chopper (how queer), but they loved it, it really is pretty mega on a helicopter. I think it's the will I die or not? syndrome. Still, all done and dealt. Rick came out with a blinding answer to one question. It was about charity gigs etc, and as he rightly pointed out, it's easy for us, we just turn up and do our thing, but it's you billy who really deserve the credit, you buy the tickets etc and give the money to us, which we pass on to the good causes and everyone says how great we are, but not really. Does that sound a little simplistic, it's not meant to, but dat's de truff maan... After Braunschweig, it was another ripper, this time to Dusseldorf, where we played a place that people who lived there had never heard of. It was obviously a really cool, or shite venue.. Got to go, I'm in Gothenburg, and just heading off for soundcheck, speak again post gig. See if there's any difference.. "Hirg geslerg hoodefarker sheet onmegenes", Rick told me that handy bit of Swedish. It means "No". Obviously not a lot of change there then. Sooo... 
The Dusseldorf gig was even more how I like it. I mean, I am Rhinicus Caesar, man of the people. A CLUB GIG! Yeehar! The 2 German shows were put in as an afterthought, as we just wanted to play, man, (it says 'ere), so we weren't that bothered about where we played. It was sooo great to play a club. Maybe I'm a bit of a small time bloke, Francis and Rick spent all their time moving on from clubs, and there am I creaming my jeans when we do one! About 2789 and a half billy in, it was SERIOUS in my opinion, in fact all of our opinions. Y'see, I knew I was right, boiling hot, absolutely rammed to the gills, Gommor in sparkling form, singing brilliantly, and then at the end, the Germans, bless 'em, started singing a song we'd never heard before, it's apparently one of those songs you sing when your soccer team's 5 goals up, (obviously never heard at TWFMBFC), but the sentiment is, 'isn't it fantastic', couldn't agree more, you know, you nearly beat the Dutch there, meine freundes. Yet another ripper, this time myself and the GOMMORR went with the crew, 2 reasons there: 1) The bunks are longer, so for normal people like me, you know, it's better The bunks on our bus are about 1 Metre 80, compared to 1 Metre 88 on the crew bus. I'm 1 metre 85, not huge, but according to Beat the Street, our bus company, it is. That's not my 'ampton I'm talking about, by the way.. I forget the 2nd reason, so overnight it was to Copenhagen, capital of Uganda (is there a theme here?), we actually left 1 hour after the band, and got there 5 minutes after them. Of course, having a Northener for a driver made all the difference. Chris, (for that is his moniker, lads and lassies) wouldn't let me have one of his personal stash of tea bags. He says I'm such a Southern Nancy that I couldn't drink one of his Yorkshire (from whence he hails-I must be a lesbian. Oh right, Thespian) tea bags, in case I had a breakdown from the sheer force of it. I tried to tell him they don't make tea bags in Yorkshire, but he was having none of it. Pat Marks, our lighting designer's dad died yesterday. Sorry mate, shit happens... We got to Copenhagen for a day off. I am stopping now. Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey (record stuck) we're the Monkees, now piss off.  xxxxx
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