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5 months after the event, here I go, trying to say something about things that happened. Well, they did. Next...Actually, I can pretty much recall all the shows I never covered at the time on the UKTOURTHATNEVERENDSBUTINFACTDIDENDWELL EARLYTHENSTARTEDAGAINANDFUCKEDUPJUST FORACHANGE ANDIAMINFACTINGERMANYABOUT TOPLAYONEOFTHEAFOREMENTIONED REARRANGEDGIGS. I'm an annoying bugger, ain't I? If you want to read that last sentence it's got to take a few minutes, and, like most of these ramblings, it's tosh. What you really want to know is about TROTMFB (the return of the man from Barnes), Rick's arm, and the new record. Tough... Let me take you back in time for a while, a time before TWFMBFC had beaten Huddersfield to take them to the Millennium stadium in Cardeef for the Nationwide League division 2 play off final, against the expensively assembled, but sadly for them, crap, Stoke City FC. Northampton, the Derngate centre. I rejoined the tour after commuting for about a week. It's a funny place backstage. All the acts that have been through have written their names on the wall. Some real classics there. Does anyone remember Tony Las Vegas? Danielle and her amazing poodle? Emma de Bigtits and the mammalians? ...I'd like to see her show, and on stage as well, Lots of red seats, a modern type theatre place and therefore a sound which seemed to devour whatever volume you put in it, very polite, but not at all bad as I recall. So all back on the charabanc to Folkestone. 
This had been the gig we were dreading, as it has been on the circuit for years, and we lumped it in with Margate, which was probably the biggest dump we've ever played in the UK... Needn't have worried, big refurbishment done, great sound, rammed to the rafters, there were however the 2 massive columns (in a Doric design I'd say. Pseudo? Moi?) on the stage to contend with, but we contended with them, albeit only after being told no, we couldn't saw through them, as the building would collapse. Some people... The Salt entourage also honoured us with their presence, hi girlies.. Ipswich. A whites of their eyes gig, audience right on top of you, which with some would be a great idea, on a one to one basis (should that read bassist?) Only been away a week, and the double ententredes are coming thick and fast. See, there's another one... Huge problems for the crew, due to the fact the mains power runs right under the stage, I don't get this either, but it makes for horrendous noises on guitar amps. Pat, our lighting designer saved the day by working his arse off (first time for everything eh, Mr. Fader?) and rerouting all the lighting rig, even I know that's a big job, well done indeedy. Talking of Mr. Marks (no relation to Howard, although he should be!) Patrick has started his own garden lighting business, and it looks really ace. Check it out at.. www.creativegardenlighting.co.uk. That's 3 euros, or 85 quid for the plug... Cracking gig by the way, always great billy at Ipswich, the OMORRS tend to prefer a bit of a higher stage, but I loikes that low one I does... On to Portsmouth, more TV people there. Talking of that, the on the road documentary we did is finished, and goes out later this year. Simon Porter, da management has seen it, but won't let us, in case we split up! He just says that it's warts and all, which is how a good documentary should be, IMHO as some of you say on the message board. 
The gig: Portsmouth. The song: In The Army Now: The mistake: We are not called Status Quo for nothing, things don't change that much from night to night, it's the 5 percent either way which make a gig good or fab . Playing through Army, pretty much on cruise control, first bit of encore, glass of wine, etc, when I suddenly realise Francis has gone to a different part of the song than he should have. Yes, even Rock Gods fuck up sometimes. I don't like to swear on all this stuff, but he fucked up big time. Rick kept going with the original arrangement, I moved to the part Francis had gone to, Matthew got rather confused, and Paul had a look of abject fear on his face. It all stumbled to a halt about a minute later, by which time I was crying with laughter, maybe you had to be there, everyone trying to count everyone else in to what they thought was right, must have looked like a conducting audition! I guess I started laughing when I looked at the reverend Rock Parfait, he just had this "what is going on?" expression on his boat, that was enough for me. Apart from that, it had been an allright show, met the controller of ITV, you'd never know what he did for a living to look at him, cool geezer. Bournemouth I don't remember much about, that and Brighton seem to merge into one, both very similar buildings and capacities, I always enjoy them even though the sound is a bit weak, I'm a right bore, ain't I? Everything's great, fab all the time, afraid it is. If you ever found anything better than working, you'd want to do it again, wouldn't you? Beth brought her customary tin of Roses for the crew to Brighton, Sir Robert of Youngsville was also present. Quick joke. Bloke is feeling ill, goes to the doctor for tests. Goes back for results, and doctor says "good news and bad news". Bloke, "give me the good news". Doctor. "you've had a disease named after you". I'll get me coat... 
Wembley, fantastic. Not as full as we've had it, but when a show is as good as that, it wouldn't matter if there were 100 or 50,000 people there. We were collectively the man, and were in fact watched by the man from Barnes, who must have found things extremely weird, must have been odd for the thing from another planet as well, he is such a great guy, he really is. On to Birmingham, had all 3 kids with me, in fact the bus looked like a school outing, Rick had 2 kids with, Francis 3, my Mae was the only female, but she had as much attitude as any of them. Strong girl... Packed out the NEC. Francis said to me before we wented on to de stage; maan, me froat is canin man, tonight could be alright, right, I said , yeah right, but he said tomorrah could be problima'ical wiv me voice equitment box fing, right, I said yeah right man, la'ers, let's rock da house, right, and e said yeah right, let's rock da house, and den u get yer coat yer twat, an I said right, yeah right (cont'd p 94). Good show. We could all hear him struggling, but he is one of the GREAT troupers, the show must go on etc, but one look the next day, and we knew the Oxford show wasn't happening. Then it was all off till after Xmas. Gotta tell ya'll... we hate cancelling, it's the worst. I went skiing, and unlike my Freddie who broke his wrist on Xmas day, I didn't break anything, thus making loads of money from those who had bet me I would. So long suckers. See you next year, even though it's actually May second, as the Americans say. 
PS..Many thanks to someone called Danny, who sent me a mail to inform me that my attempt at the worlds' longest sentence last year (Route of Kings tour log I think) was rubbish, as the entire 3rd part of Ulysses by James Joyce was one sentence. Of course I knew that, I mean, doesn't everyone?
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