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If you read this you are indeed at one with me, the boringest (new word) bloke in the world. To make sure I have inherited this mantle for life, I took the opportunity to travel to the worlds' only lawnmower museum, in Southport. I saw the sign for it at a roundabout, and knew that one of my main ambitions in life was about to be accomplished. I am indeed proud to announce that I am the most boring person I know. Do you know why? I'll tell you why, because I ENJOYED IT! www.lawnmowerworld.co.uk
Better than walking through A.N. other town, although Southport is fab, and I can always tell me grandkids about it…come on kids, sit on yer granddads' knee, and I'll tell you all about the time I went to the mower museum... Plus which, I found out that the expression "Shanks's pony" comes from lawnmowers. If you want to know the origins of the aforementioned phrase, send me an e-mail, in strictest confidence, and I'll mail you back the reason, together with a demand for loadsofmoneyorelseIwilltellallyourfriend syouareareallyboringpersonwhichyouareanywayifyoutakethe troubletoreadthisbutthensoamIforwritingit. Grimsby. Loads of fans outside getting well cold, saw Beth who runs the R*****site, she was FREEZING! That old wind don't half blow in off the North sea, ahoy there cap'n, shiver me timbers, you know the deal. Nice to actually do a gig we'd twice cancelled, it was a slow show ticket wise, what a surprise... everyone was waiting to see if we were going to make it, which we did. Worst show for a long time for me, but the others all seemed to enjoy it. I mean REALLY bad for me by the way, if you're having a real grim time, you can't look billy straight in the eye. Rick had been having a couple like that, but if I hadn't told you that I wonder if anyone would suss it? Day off at home, then Brighton. Took my Freddie with me, thought I'd treat him, so we went 1st class on the train. I think he must have thought I was punishing him, what a joke our rolling stock (that's carriages to you) is. I take my hat off to all of you who commute on our railways, I used the German network when we were there, what a complete contrast... Anyway, rantette over, Brighton rocks! (arf arf), about 300 Rossi family there, nice and sweaty show... there's 2 things I like doing that make me sweat and lasts for ages, one of them's a gig... Can't think what the other one is, oh yes, shagging, I mean 3 minutes is a long time, isn't it girls? On the bus to Bournemouth, nice hotel on the seafront with panoramic sea views, at least there would have been if the rain hadn't been falling horizontally and reduced visibility to about the size of my willy, it really was that heavy. I reckon Freddie was really regretting his decision to come with me, but we did make a demo on my portable recording studio, the one what me and Rick writ Creeping up on on that telly watsit rokumentry, doing a Free song, more about that another time... 
Bournemouth is a similar venue to Brighton, same everything really, although I think Bournemouth was a bit harder, as in more Rock and Roll. That Lindisfarne record "Nicely out of tune" sums it up very well, a bit not right, but that can give it the magic. Or not, it can also make it sound like a mound of dung (sack o'cack to all the non-prudes). For me, a good old rocking type night mate, and a nice chat with Graham from State of Quo. Happy birthday mate, don't worry, I won't tell anyone how old you are (40, I think it was). On to Portsmouth, where your friend (or not, depending whether you liked THAT documentary) Jane Treays arrived, she is such a bubbly, nice person. Also, don't forget, if it hadn't been for her, that film would never have been made. She really went out of her way to get the project off the ground, and, in time someone else would have done it with another band, and whatever you think of it, it was about Status Quo, wouldn't you rather it was us on the telly? Even hotter, loads of bods and bodettes from the Ark Royal, high five to Steve Greenwood the landlubber... Catering on this tour, by the lovely Giles and the even more lovelier (eh?) Helen has undone all my plans. I was going to go on the Atkins diet, lose about 10 pounds, and what happened? I am now eating like a horse and drinking like a fish ( some might say I eat like a horse as well, it's a free country etc) and I've probably put ON 10 pounds, the food really is superb, almost as good as Kathy's' (that's in case she reads this, actually the catering's much better.oops.) Top totty, and a right riveting rocking good gig to finish a run of 3 shows with. On to Brentwood, one of the shows featured in the documentary. In it, Jane pointed out there were only 4 chairs in the dressing room. This year, there were 5... Good one Brentwood. Which goes to show one thing. If you want something done, make a telly programme... Coincidentally, Steve the cameraman and Mark the soundman from rock on...and on... popped in, hey guys, nice to seeyez. Security were a bit mean here, not letting people without the relevant tickets get anywhere near the front, saw that family whose name I don't know, 3 generations of them, and they go barking mad! Great to watch, you really know how to party (yeah yeah yeah, copyright R****'* cont'd page 94). Ah there it is. Where would a tour log be without a good old (cont'd page 94). I remember as a lad I used to (cont'd page 94). Where's that coat? Basingstoke, just down the road for me and the Right Rocking Reverend Rock Parfait, and part 1 of a 2 night residency at the Anvil bar and grill. Took my Mae and 3 friends with me as a birthday treat, they had their own dressing room, I tell you, when they'd finished in there it was well and truly trashed! They really had a great time at the gig, all standing behind the lighting desk, as Andrew said afterwards the gig had a shit sound, but watching the Muppet show at the back was great! Plus which the driver we had for the evening, also drives the boy band Blue, so they spent the other half of the evening writing letters for personal delivery to Blue expressing their undying love for them, and had a completely wicked time. 
2nd Basingstoke was more like it, I think it may have been the first one to go on sale, far more appreciative billy. I WANT THE DRINKS FRANCHISE! All the gigs seem to be so hot I wonder if the halls are leaving the heating on or whether you lot are getting down with your bad selves harder this year? Lots of those Santa hats, met Mr.and Mrs HogMan, cool... Overnight to Carlisle and a day off, where, not only did I search the town for a certain brand of pickled onions, I also added to my reputation as the meanest man in rock. I missed my train back to the hotel, and instead of spending 6 quid on a cab, I waited 4 hours for the next train! Had a great time though, deep conversations with pints of Guinness and loads of pages of Stupid White Men, a book by Michael "Bowling for Columbine" Moore. Also heard bell ringing practice at the Cathedral. It was absolutely hilarious, a real cacophony, and really really loud, echoing all around the area. I mean, how else can you check out your campanology (that's bell ringing-honest) skills? Really nice place, Carlisle. This week I have been mainly wearing a black vest under my new denim shirt, as I didn't think the gig was going to be hot. Wrong! Another one we'd cancelled twice, thanks for coming y'all. Before sound check, me and the man from Barnes went to the local driving range, where last year I had managed to snap a metal club. We wet ourselves laughing at each other's pathetic attempts to hit the ball, although it's such a great feeling when one ball actually does fly off, just realized what I just wrote... York. Really great fun, had a great vibe going with all the ladeees in front of me, phew! cor blimey missus! cheeky things! I was blushing, that takes a lot, suggestive doesn't come into it, I love you all.. By the way, have you met Belgian Bloke yet? The camera's knackered, so no pics as yet, but his name's Wim, and he's a bloody nice bloke mate... Preston next, saw another SOQ person I think, Dave the drummer, and that bloke Hilly, now he can ROCK! Little Egypt going down pretty well, and selling cartloads of their latest CD, it's called 'Turn The Music Up', and if you missed buying it at any of the shows, details of how to get it are on their site at www.littleegypt.co.uk. This really is the tour that never ends, unlike this tour log, which is now ended... so Fuggoff. John Edwards, ...only son of Margaret Gertrude Louise Edwards, nee Beckmann, aged 365x49+2.06 days old, Bradford, 1/12/2002.
Lawnmowers from The British LawnMower Museum, Southport - Go see it! Rhino in Grimsby by Angela Mayne Rick and Francis by Barry Colquhoun Rhino with Mae, Willow, Jenny and Jessie by accident. |
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