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My f****** b****** s*** motherf****** laptop just wiped 2 hours of my life!!!! Do I f****** hate f******* computers?!?? Suppose I do really...
Start again. I’m in Aberdeentoon in Scotchland, waiting for 2 of the fruits of either mine or the milkman’s’ loins to arrive in silver bird from Metropolis (Luton) for the last 3 shows of the 'Riffs' tour, album of which is currently number 1 in Namibia, with sales of 3.
Right, second time. Joke:
"My grandma started running 5 miles a day when she turned 65"
"That’s fantastic!"
"Yep, but she’87 now, and we don’t have a clue where she is"
Boom Boom!
Talking of birthdays, did you know that today Mike Paxman is 50 years old. Yep, that’s right, the big five-0, half a century, downhill from here, and best of all now eligible to go on a Saga holiday. He of course won’t put this on the web as he’s far too vain, if anyone asks his age, he tells them he’s 27, but we know the truth... Even though he gave me a hard time when I turned 50, have a great one muckerxxx
Talking of getting on, I read yesterday that the singer of my favourite ever record, Arthur "sweet soul music" Conley died last month. What a record that was, and indeed is...
Right, Folkestone. Pretty crap and cold backstage venue, mind you it is on the Cliffs, which could explain something. Separate table land, went for a walk, an inordinate amount of girls who looked about 14 and blokes of 16 with pushchairs, not a lot to do there??? I was sure that Francis would do his best on the gig, which of course he did, but you could see and hear he was really struggling. We even cancelled an early morning TV so that we could keep the tour up, but when we came off stage I was quite sure we wouldn’t be doing the next show, and, as you know we didn’t do it. Really sorry to those who turned up the next night, but, sometimes shit happens, and there was really nothing we could do.
That gave me an extra day at home, which was blinding, then off with the man from Barnes to Ipswich for a two night stand. A journey which should have taken 2 hours took 4 and a half. Our roads are really shot, aren’t they? We nearly always travel at night, it seems to be the only way to make a journey in sensible time. Unless you get those night road works that is.. I get so fed up when the traffic is down to one lane, they go on for ages, and there’s NOBODY WORKING ON THEM! Gets my ruddy goat, I can tell you, anyway Ipswich, bass heaven, drum hell, I had a great time, Matt didn’t, all he could hear was me. I would have thought that was an orgasmic experience for him, apparently not, no pleasing some people...
However, talking of orgasmic experiences, Francis noticed that some of the ladees in the front were gyrating a touch more sensuously than normal. A closer inspection revealed that the stage itself was indeed vibrating, and that in turn made for some very interesting shapes and facial expressions! Great audience both nights, backstage is poxy, boxy, roxy, cotton soxy (p94) so I went for a walk in town during the afternoon of the second gig. I was so bored I did some market research, you know, when they ask you in the street and you go off and look at some advert. Then they ask you questions. If you get asked, just be violent/abusive/ask for an hourly rate of £700 plus which the advert was so shite it was an insult to my intelligence. Yes folks, it was that bad... As I said, great gigs.
On to the NEC, nice big venue, but I have to say I thought the Wembley billy were a bit more vocal, just hope y’all enjoyed it, Beth from the Rhinosite gave me a tape of me at the Marquee in 1983, haven’t dared to listen to it yet!
A lot of people on the tour starting to get very tired, there’s been a lot of ’flu about, it does start to get quite tough around this time, but it’s not hard to get yourself up for the gig, just feel sorry for the crew.
Excellent, therefore that we had a day off in Harrogate, my new best mate Trevor drove me off to Bolton Abbey for a fantastic walk on the Yorkshire Dales, it was a brilliant time, getting back to nature, man, seriously good.
Preston. Walked to the Museum of Football. Took an hour. Closed. Bah...
Met the Mayor and Mayoress, and performed to many many very very loud Lancastrians plus others, top of the totty as well, some gargantuan mammalian protuberances (tits) were flashed on a regular basis, which was, well, different. Same set...
Harrogate, Francis and I played different venues. He thought the billy were reserved, which they were for all of 20 minutes, the billy on Ricks’ side I can honestly say were amongst the best I’ve ever gone over to have a vibe with, he also thought you lot, whoever you are were brilliant. Small stage, backstage boxy, poxy, etc. etc.
It was time to say goodbye to a lot of front rowers, as we call some of the regular faces, crap with names, especially the 2 sisters who mailed me with their names after I forgot them last time. Guess what?
All of you, know who you are, see you next time, 2 suns are arriving, ochtamochtay, McEdwards.
We’ve just finished the tour, on the bus home, problematic with the equipment, eg my brain, just done Glasgow, which has to be the best place for the last show, as I speak the Reverend Rock has tried to throw a lighted fag into his gob. He has just missed, and the fag has gone down his robe, hence the distinctive smell of burning...
York... Went to the Yorkshire Air museum, on the anniversary of the Wright brothers’ flight... which was nice... Gig was, well I can’t remember, long term memory=bad, short term=worse, my Yorkshire totty posse were there, lovely... Day off, Aberdeen, went to the Slain Castle pub, totally mad, if you’re ever in Aberdeen, go there. Gig was the first Scotchish.
Haven’t been there for a few years, loads of Billy, they were keen, and so were we. Getting near the end, I always feel at about this time I wouldn’t mind a couple more weeks, but that’s only ’cos this life is better than working, great to have the saucepans around, by the way, did you know England won the Rugby world cup? However, TWFMBFC lost at home today, going down etc. Still, at least Qpha lost, to the mighty Oldham,
Edinburgh, fantastic hotel, the Scotsman, except for the fact that the fire alarm went off at 4.30, and then at 4.40, fantastic billy, although I can’t believe the sound was good. Talking of which, Andy May does it good and loud, but I don’t see people getting brained and holding their ears, I make that rock music as it should be, punchy an loud.. ALRIGHT! LET’S ROCK!! Near catastrophe in Oriental, Gommor's amp packed up just before the quiet bit, Tonto sorted it out at the last moment, which was handy.
Glasgow, in the words of Tina Turner, who Rev. Rock does a brill impression of, simply the best, first time I ever had to take to bow ‘cos billy was calling me name...
Usual end of tour spiel, nice to see you, to see you, nice, you come back every year, we are not worthy...
Have a Great Xmas and New Year,
see ya soon,
Rhino Edwards aged 50/13.
Special thanks to my 2 top fans, Laura, who was a tad emotional tonight, relax!!! Loveya... and that James, thanks for the CDs and DVDs. Now F*** off (with respect of course) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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