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As I have extensively commented on our German EU partners in our travels over the last 20 years, I have decided to put on hold my utterances re the last German Tour. However, you may all sleep soundly in your beds, safe in the knowledge that I, memory men (that‘s posh English for man), or John something to you will indeed deliver aforementioned information in the next decade.
Oh, how you will laugh as I regale you with our jolly japes and saucy tales of drinking, wenching and generally being ceds (cads in posh), I mean just the names of those involved is bound to send you into fits of laughter. Francis!!!! Ha Ha Ha Rick!!!!!! Ho Ho Ho. Andrew!!!!!! Tee hee. Matthew!!!! Stop! I can’t laugh any more! And of course, JOHN!!! Hold on there... What’s funny about John? Are you taking the piss or what? You want some, twat? ... I’m not schizophrenic, is he? (The late great Spike Milligan). If I knew what I was going to write before I actually did, it might end up making sense, but as I have never grown up, and have the attention span of a goldfish, not a chance. The reason why, as it happens, is that we are still in Australia, and so get it while it’s hot, so to speak. This is actually the day of the last gig, Adelaide, we are at Melbourne airport waiting for our flight, so this is as good a time as any to crack on. It is such a pig, the trip from London to Australia normally, it just drags on and on, but because of SARS the flight was virtually empty (mad dogs, Englishmen and Status Quo etc), so, brilliant and very attentive service from those lovely Singapore Airlines girls, plenty of faaiine waainne was surrounded, and after entering TWWOT (the wonderful world of Diazepam, a sleeping pill- not recommended by the way, but sometimes you have to sleep when you don’t want to) a hazy trip was had by all. Got to Melbourne 6.00am to be met by assorted Queens of Quo and familliarish faces and their kids, got this jetlag cracked I thought later that day, as I just drifted off for half an hour’s kip at 5.00pm, don’t want to sleep too long, 2.30am=one wide awake Rhino, and, let’s face it folks, Aussie TV is KERAP! Still, weather forecast was good, go for an early morning walk at 6.00... Uh-oh- forgot the cloud. Still, they’ve virtually had a drought here for a while, so probably a good thing. Maybe we could rent ourselves out to the highest bidder, for example, Johnny "I’m the prime minister, even though I can hardly believe it myself" Howard’s party could offer us a million quid, and he could stand for re-election on the 'no more drought' ticket. All we would have to do is come and tour 4 weeks before the election. Could be a real money spinner that. 
We all have had grim jet-lag, but let’s hear it for the band, aaah, all that 1st class travel and stuff, I’m sure you all really feel for us. 1st gig was a "warm up" in Melbourne, at the Mercury Lounge, and got a good view of the soon to be wed Doctor Lee Hawkins, formerly of this parish (UK), not bad but we were knackered. We also did a TV called the footy show, which is Aussie rules football, I have become hooked, and fact, when everyone has a day off before we go home, I’m flying back to Melbourne to watch a grudge match, which I fully expect to be a bloodbath, and shall be v. disappointed if there are no fatalities. We also did another telly, Good morning Australia with the lovely Bert Newton, he of the amazing permanent hairdo, great bloke. By the way, as those lovely people at Nestle are our sponsors, I consider it my duty to name check as many of their products as I can. Melba, sorry Melbourne was departed from the next day, by the way, did you know Melbourne also happens to be the headquarters of Nestle. After a marathon flight, we got to Brisbane, met the lot from Quo Vadis, and after a quick cup of Nescafe Instant coffee, checked in to our hotel, and had a couple of kit kats, which of course are made by you-know-who, I then had to wash my dirty socks and snickers (ouch!). Got totally shitfaced with Toot, (who incidentally is soon to be a TV star, watch this space) and had a Maggi cuppa soup to sober me up before I cleaned my contact lenses with Alcon lens cleaner and washed my hair with L’Oreal shampoo (that’s enough Rhino) Hold on, they also make Lean Cuisine (I said that’s ENOUGH!). Had a day off in Brisbane, all this work, eh? It was then time to start working, at the illustrious Nambour RSL club. Wow! I encountered electronic poker machines, or pokies for the first time. You do NOT need a university education to play them, what’s more, you got to be a right mug to do it... I lost 170 dollars. The gig was bizarre to say the least, and the most wrecked audience we’ve ever had (up until now). There was some woman right at the front kept taking photos of herself on her mobile, for the sole reason of checking her make-up, then crying her eyes out, and redoing all the make-up and photos etc. barking mad, believe me. She didn’t look at the band once. Loads of women, a few other familiar faces, only person missing was the lovely Maureen. I loved the gig, right rocking, shit sound, pissed billy... ROCK AND ROLL!!!!! Next day, Twin Towns, been there before, beautiful, I mean beautiful beaches, and PIES. They make the best meat pies in the world here, the right Reverend Rock Parfait turned me on to them, they are truly awesome, nice cuppa and a pie, can’t beat it. Rock stars eh? Not just that, those mighty fine Quo Vardis and friends delivered a great big cake, which of course was Jam side down, thanks a lot folks. 
Nice modern theatre, in an entertainment complex (millions of pokies, hotel, and weekend turn, doing 2 nights, which was us "Live and onstage, they are really rocking all over the world, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for, from London England, the STATUS QUO!!!" Well, not that bad really, it was a bit of a cabaret audience, but they got off on it enough, so, final score: Us 1,Them 0. Day off in the middle of the 2 shows, went to Moreton Bay, this country is so beautiful, just on the wrong side of the world, my wine drinking is reaching epic proportions, as are my hangovers, got to calm down a bit or buy stronger painkillers... I am now on the plane, flying home. Aah! On one hand, Yippee! On the other, sad to leave, but looking forward to getting back to the land of TWFMBFC.(A crap soccer club) ...slowly getting pissed by the way, not a lorra sense left... Newcastle, big mining town, and home of Windscreens O’Neil. It does what it says on the hoarding, but AB had him down as the first cowboy gunslinger ever to wear glasses. "Oh shit, here comes Windscreens O’Neil, run for your lives!" Fun gig, opening act the Radiators, a well established Aussie band, they were absolutely brilliant, if it were down to me they’d open for us in Europe, totally cool. Long drive back to Sydney=bad head next day…..The WORST driver ever, name of Ray driving the party bus, which consisted of TRRRP (the right reverend Rock Parfait), TMFBCFHAASTHW (the manfromBarneswhichisconvenientforHammersmithandallstaionstoHounslowwest) and me... Ray, you are a twat wanker, and I’m actually glad you lost your license the next day, you silly old man. Funnily enough, the lovely Ray only drove us the once. On to Gosford, near Sydney, for ANZAC day, the equivalent of Remembrance Sunday, except it’s a get wrecked special day. I think that’s probably the drunkest audience EVER, not just in our history, but of most bands. The Gommor LOVED it, as I’m sure you can imagine, lots of tits out for the lads etc, driven back by the lovely Nicole, top gal. Next night, Sydney. Met someone at the grin and grip who’d seen me in Moreton Bay, only 1500 miles away, can’t odds that...3500 billy, solid if unexceptional show, got them up, though it took a while. 
By the way, I did the Sydney bridge climb (see pic) with young Matt and Simon Portly, sorry, Porter. Fantastic. I don’t like heights, but wasn’t going to get beaten by a mere trifle like that. Next... Woolongong, big steel town, again with the Radiators, they are sooooo good, made us work really hard, end of a run of 4 shows, and one was indeed go forth and multiplied. Day off, then gig at something parrot or something like that.. Rick, broken toe, no show, there you go, you never know, bummer man, that old broken toe... he says sorry. On to the St. Kilda Palais, crappest sound ever, even I couldn’t get off at all, TRRRRP (see earlier) had a nightmare. Quiet, though sold out audience, plus a fantastic opening band, really daggy, didn’t catch their name, sadly. Luckily Adelaide more than made up for it, best show of tour for me and Mr. Rossi, which was nice. Then, yesterday, they all stayed in Adelaide, and I went to Melbourne with the man from Del Nestle and watched the Hawks versus the Kangaroos, I always thought Aussie rules football was silly, well I was wrong, what a night, those of you who understand will know it was the Wayne Carey grudge game, class. Come on you Hawks!!! And they won!! I’m now a fan, big time, shame I live the other side of the world. Anyway, I’m done. Word up to the Queens of Quo, thanks for the support, the regulars I saw and met, keep the faith, and lastly, the mighty Chris White. Don’t give up your day job, 4500 times vs. my garlic... (huh?) Knowing me knowing you - g’day!! The one in the band wot’s 50 on Friday xxx 
 Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 To Rhino's Tourlog Index Simon Porter, Dave Coulson (at Nambour), Simon Porter, The Photo Kiosk on Sydney Bridge, Rhino's Cake by The Queens Of Quo. Click here for lots more great pics and video's of Quo in Oz on the Australian Quo site. HAPPY BIRTHDAY RHINO! |
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