Rhino's Tourlog 2003

Part 4: Rhino in heaven...

Hello…hello…testing, testing... This is mike number 1, this is mike number 1, isn’t this a lot of fun, oh, there you are, and here I am, so that’s all sorted. I may as well tell you of our current German stroke Denmark tour, which is currently being undertaken by the Status Quo. I am in the town of Nakskov, in southern Denmark, where we have just spent 2 fantastic days off, it’s such a bonus to be in a great part of the world with good weather, it really was as good as it gets for me, short of being here with that bird from the Sugarbabes.

We even found time for the Status Quo annual barbeque and total pissup, which was, as usual, efficiently organised by the ever glamorous David of Salt, ably assisted by the multitalented Ms. L. Worsfold, warden of this parish. Yummy ‘twas too, what I can remember of it. Apparently Toot won the air guitar contest, so an invisible Marshall stack and Gibson Les Paul are on their way to you, together with a million pound cheque from the bank of toy town. Toot, or Miss Naaarrrwch is also the happiest drunk you could ever meet, supports King’s Lynn football club, and would like to travel and work with children.. What? By the way, I am writing this on the day of the Nakskov show, and the cloud is lurking. Hasn’t quite found us yet, but there’s still time... Go on, piss off...

Left London for the overnighter to Erlangen, birthplace of Saint Hubbins, patron saint of quality footwear with a new addition to the crew... No, I’m not pregnant, but my son Freddie, at the ripe old age of 13, has at last found gainful employment as bag boy to the stars, well, us... Which is good news for me, as I won’t have to give him any pocket money!! (Fagin is of course my middle name) He is out for half term, and is definitely doing a good job. Why, the prospects are endless. No they’re not, it’s a crap job, but he is having a whale of a time, and does NOT want to go home...

First gig, in a gaff called Geiselwind, brand new shopping mall type truck stop cum convert (think I mean conCert) hall after a big 6 days off, as we did a night at the proms a week earlier. Sounds posh, doesn’t it? Well it was. Sportspalais in Antwerp, Belgium, massive orchestra and choir, 14000 billy, and it was a private party! Dosh or what? Got to meet up with a lot of old friends from a few years ago, and even the king of the slap bass, Mr. Mark King.

Even I, the eternal optimist, am starting to get a little fed up with so many gigs, but we still do what it says on the tin. A bit thin on the ground billy wise, which did not help the sound, but not bad. I am also realising how much time we’re spending in Germany, too many shows over here. It is one of the great countries to tour, but it really is a bit of saturation, still, we’re here now.

Moved on to Bayreuth, where they’re mad on Wagner, Freddie, being a cool little one, got himself a camouflage maglite, he just is cool, obviously takes after his old man...

What more can you ask. The gig is literally a pissup in a brewery, seventh heaven, surrounded by tens of thousands of beer crates (see pic), plus which it’s Maisel's Weisse beer, which is one of the best, heifer weizen on draught, (never seen that before, so obviously had to try one. Honest, one.. Huge glass though).

BOILING hot venue, great billy, 20,000 out in the yard, 2000 in the hall watching, Rick is really enjoying these gigs, (well, all 2 of them) excellent. That Bill and Ted reference reminds me of being in Toronto. Me and you know what Hrano were in a skate shop. I was tyring (that should bread trying) on a hoodie, and I asked the kid serving if he thought the large fitted me or should I try the XL. "Buy yourself some space dude!" was the answer, in the most fantastic skate/punk accent possible. I know, you had to be there...

Another ripper, to Magdeburg, the same hall as we started the Don’t Stop tour in whenever that was. Me and Freddie rented a tandem for the afternoon, which was a riot, can’t believe we never fell off, it was utter chaos, he’s a bugger, sometimes I’d turn round from the front, and he’d be there, legs up, not cycling and complaining we weren’t going fast enough!
Not massively attended, which was a right shame, as we really were on top of our game, stonkingly good, then on to Cottbus for the gig that didn’t happen. Francis and Helen, one of our caterers both got food poisoning really bad, if Francis says he’s not up for doing a show then you know he really is in a bad way, as I’ve said before, he really is the ultimate trouper.
A warm welcome at this stage for bag boy 2, Harry, fruit of Ricks' loins flew out to see his paw for a few days, so we did a hotel room jam on the day off. Freddie Edwards rhythm guitar, Harry Parfitt lead guitar, John Edwards did the engineering, and the Reverend Rock Parfait arranged.

On to an early arrival at Ulm, probably my favourite German town, took that Fred on a cycle ride down the banks of the Danube, not a bad life... Great gig at Memingen, again, belting hot, Matthew the usual killer that he is. I was actually able to wring the sweat out of my shirt at the end of the show, bet you wanted to read that, ladeez. Francis was well OK by then, a little tired, but that’s to be expected.

Denmark Rox

On to Denmark, day off in Jelling, small Danish town, another big cycle ride with bag boy, but then had to put him on the ‘plane home with that Harry, right drag, we’d had a great time, but skool is skool.
Big rock show, 18,000 of the mighty Danes, and mighty freezing it was too, the Gomorr had to put on a jacket he was so taters, bit late for us, 10.45 on stage, don’t forget one of us is eligible for a bus pass in 8 years!

Then the lovely short (13 hours) drive to Calw, in the town square, we love these kind of gigs, and this was no exception, the houses looked as if they were a film set as it got dark... packed, good crack by one and all. It’s always great to work to the unconverted.
Final score: Status Quo Wanderers 5; Calw 0.
Then the mere hop and a skip (6 hours) overnight to Erfurt, which was erfurtlessly (ouch!) achieved and on to Nordhausen. Great hall, top birds, we played fabarooney, shame we weren’t sold out...

Then just the 12 hour ride to Nakskov, Denmark, as I already told yez a great place, lovely people, they closed the hotel we were staying in while we were on so the staff could all come. Out of a town of 15000 we had 6000, Nakskov is a Quo town, roll on next time, I just would pretty pretty please like to plead with the organisers for the drinks franchise, boy were they shifaced, suits me, no trouble with the mighty Dane, they have a great time. By the way, a quick word of thanks to Bertil and Karin, who took us all out on their boat, band and crew (except Francis, the worst sailor in the world), for an evening trip around the harbour and much vino, beer and the mighty rum (doh!) We really had a great time. (see pic) While I talk of the mighty Dane, I must say thanks to a bloke called Jens, who, even though he couldn’t make the gig, sent me a case of Italian and Spanish wines, how top is that? Cheers!!

Just about to play Hannover in vun and vun half of your German hours, speak soon. Francis has a really heavy cold and hay (not hey) fever, so is feeling a million euros, hey ho let’s go, one two three four... Hannover outdoors, sound was regulated to 94db, for those that don’t know, that means just really loud, not deafening, sun in yer eyes for most of the gig.

Overnight to Rostock, big show, 30,000 kids in a football stadium, which brings me nicely on to this week’s rant...
I understand why people mime on the telly, but at GIGS? Leave me out!!!! Those kids there thought all those acts were live, but, sorry folks, you are having the wool pulled over your eyes. Not just the music, but the lead vocals as well, it really does make me sick, the talentless wankers behind it all, (one of whom is one half of a German dross act, Modern Talking, who was produced 5 of the acts on the show. Nepotism, surely not? More of them later) are bloodsucking leech scumbags, who ruin some of these young hopefuls’ lives and don’t give a fuck about them, it’s all marketing, very few of them use music as anything else than a way of making a fast buck. Piss off and sell hamburgers, you arseholes, you might as well, ’cos the music you make is the same thing really.. However, as the Streets says, "You say everything sounds the same, then you go buy them" Maybe it’s me, but I hate seeing people being taken for mugs, Big hats off to Sweety Glitter, who were the first live band of the day, they rocked da house, innit...

Ah yes, Modern Talking. I hear that they had a fight after their show and split up, ‘cos one of them was singing the other one‘s line. They had a full band with them, but they were MIMING!!!!! I haven’t cried so much since the demise of the Spice Girls. Of course, this is all allegedly, but I know what I saw and heard...

Righty, we got to Kiel, Francis was OK at lunch, had a kip, and woke up feeling shite, got a doctor in who told him he had bronchitis and salmonella, right, time to go home. We’re playing at Thetford, UK tonight (Saturday), which is 6 days after, and he feels physically OK, but it’s easy to hear he’s still not right. Still, the show must go on...

Again, really sorry about the show in Kiel, see you soon...