Rhino's Tourlog 2003

Part 5: 4500 X 2 and more...

Good evening queers and queeresses, are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll beg...

Once upon a time, there was this bloke called Robin Hood, who lived with a load of queers and a bird. One day he mentioned to his brother Verig, that it might me a good idea to invite the merry men of ye Stateth of Quoth (indeed Robin did have one hell of a listph, not a lot of people know that, and as he didn‘t actually exist, anyone want to argue? thought not..) to give a concert in his manor, otherwise known as Sherwood Forest, as robbing from the rich and giving to the poor was becoming a bit of a pain, and the old forest could do with a lick of paint, so to speak. So they figured a concert was a good way to get some legal dosh, and who better than the people’s minstrels, with their crowd pleasing ditties such as Whatever Thou Wants, Big Fat Wench and There’s Something ‘bout You Maiden I Lust After... So that’s what was done, and what a pretty sight it was.

We’re on a run of forest (not forrest, for that is in fect (posh for fact) rhyming slang for the lower tract evacuation process) shows, which are all charity based, for the forestry commission or something like that, which is very nice, as the profits go to a good cause, and we have a fun day out, as do you, the billy. Arrived on our summer bus, driven by 52 year old Chris Molson, career Yorkshireman, who will only provide me with 1 teabag per week, as he says Yorkshire tea is too strong for us Southern jessies. We arrived to a fab barbie, I ordered a steak, which was actually the size of 2 young bullocks, yes I said bullocks for those of you who get pissed off at the Lord Mayoring, and delicious, so when we went on I was in a really good mood (dreadful pun there, if a tad obscure). We followed the Little of Egypt, who, as I speak have parted ways with the Duncan bloke, he of the dark hair and Stratocaster, totally amicable, all the best mate...

Usual set, including 4500 times, which I love more than any piece of music I have ever heard in my life, shame we don’t do the 1874 "Live at the Public Library in Streatham High street" 5¾ hour version any more, which as legend would have it saw Spud playing a 45 minute solo on Nuff’s dick... what a guy!

Then on to Thetford, staying at Newmarket, a real horsetypetownmate, do you know what? do you know what? I’ll tell you what.. I bought a CD, and by mistake gave them my Kath’s credit card ( I always take it away when I’m working, otherwise I’d be skinter than I am, actually a mistake Kath, honest). I didn’t realise, and gave her card to the girl in the shop, signed in my name and signature which is nothing like Kath’s, and got my CD, no questions asked. COME ON! Salutary lesson folks. Watch your cards.

Rick

We’re driving through Belgium, on a ripper, I knacked, seeyez later, nighty night...

Back now, at Fontainebleau, near gay Paree before tonight’s’ show, where we are being supported by the mighty Georgia Satellites, should be good, (actually they were crap) anyway, Thetford, this is getting a bit too good to be true, sold out, everybody happy, played really good, only problem is the size and shape of the stage, because those right on the side don’t get to see the sexiest man in rock... me, of course. Beautiful venue, and NO CLOUD! When England is bathed in sunshine like this, it’s absolutely gorgeous, like no other country, just a shame we can’t rely on the weather... Final score at Thetford = Billy 0, Status Quo 3, 200,997 (after extra time).

Next, on to Bedgebury Pinethingy, in Kent, met all the Letleys, including dad Roger and mum Rita, Matt looks like both of them, in fact you could say he’s 6 of one, and half a dozen of the other... Yet another sold out gig, this is getting boring going on about venues etc, so shan’t. It’s really good this semi-pro bit, just working at weekends, get a bit of time with the family, DIY etc, met a fan in Wicks (diy chainsaw, sorry store) and he was gob smacked that someone like me would be in there buying some 4 by 2 prepared for my new trellis arrangement, which I can tell you is going to be something else. I needed six 6 by 2 sections, 2 kilos of galvanized clout nails, and a rubber (cont’d p.94)

Next week it was just the 2, Delamare forest near Liverpool first, kind of a naturalbowltypethingy, which was nice until when the cloud found us... it also found a hole in the roof of the stage. Matt suddenly started getting pissed on. Someone backstage had the bright idea of getting a parasol up to catch the rain, it was pure Spinal Tap to see this thing being winched up, and moving across the back of the stage like the worst piece of scenery you ever saw, trying to get the water to deflect. They gave up after a couple of minutes, I was laughing me head off, as were the front row. Not sure R and F saw it, but it was hilarious, believe me. Anyone got any photos of it?

Gig not too bad mind, but of course the slippery slope scenario came into the equation, people suddenly finding themselves on their arses sliding down a hillock (yes hillock). Made me laugh too, sorry to anyone that hurt themselves, I just can’t help it, I am one of those tasteless bastards who laughs at you’ve been framed.

On the gig a tired and emotional girl threw up her bra and starting dancing topless. I’m not saying we didn’t enjoy the sight, but Salty had to ask her to put it back on again! Far too many out of it merchants for my liking, it nearly went off in a big way quite a few times, I get tired saying it, but get shitfaced by all means, just don’t be a twat with others.

The cloud did give it a shot, about 15 minutes of heavy rain during the show, but you, the people rose above it, and got what you deserved, a right good gigging, we were a little rough a round the edges, but isn’t that what it’s supposed to be about? You know, let’s rock.

Dalby Forest, Yorkshire. What can I say, the nicest one yet, 7 miles into stunning woodland, on the edge of the moors, breathtaking scenery, cloud lurking, but waited until we’d done. Got my eldest Max out working with the crew (that‘ll make a man of him), thanks to those of you who gave him a round of applause when he’d finished hoovering the stage!

That’s yer lot…xxx