Part 4: Book Signin'

OK punks, you got 1 hour of my time. It be zero two therty fave own a Suundaey mourneen in Naaarch, that’s raht, Naaarch, im Nofolk, that’s the UK unnerstand? On tha East side, motherf******.

Moving swiftly on, YYEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! TWFMBFC have seen off the challenge of Bristol City FC, known as the Robins by the crushing margin of 4-3 on penalties, thanks Alex for the running commentary while we was on stage at Croydon, and better than that we’re into round 2 of the FA cup!!!! Sadly can’t think of a sarcastic name to call them Bristolians, so SCCCUUUMMM!!! it is. That’s what some Bournemouth supporters(?) called me and my son Max when we were walking back to the station after a super Bees game, we obviously presented a real threat, as Max must have been all of 7 years old. You know, Max, now the drummer in the mighty TPF, is that a plug for them? It is now...

I mean, we all love Spain, don’t we? What a fantastic country. But what’s with all the monkey calls in the 'friendly' football match? Wake up to the 21st century! OK we were shit, absolutely, in the game, but that was bang out of order, as someone on the telly used to say. Who was it? That’s really bugging me now, and it’s only 2.58, just the forty minutes so far. Mind you geography=not strong point. Think on...

OK, my throbbing itinerary is in my hand, it’s gagging to be exposed, so;
Hull. What a place. Used to be the worst place to live in the UK apparently, well, it ain’t any more, downtown looked pretty good to me. I believe that honour falls to Luton now. Mind you, Hull must be a shite place, as they beat TWFMBFC 2-0 today. People of Hull. How can you sleep easy in your beds, knowing what your team has done to a sad, overweight 51 year old nobhead. I hope you’re satisfied with your work.

I went to meet my nephew, Phillip, who’s studying at Uni there, did I mention he’s also in TPF, a band I know absolutely nothing about. Somebody told me they are going to be the first band on at the Quo show at Wembley next Saturday, from 6.45 to 7.10. How did they manage to wangle that? Disgraceful nepotism I call it. And I’m right... apparently they’re the hunnens nosser (dog’s bollocks in Danish. I remembered, even if you didn’t).

Anyway, on my way to meet him I was given a flyer for a Quo covers band (of course they’re better than us QZ!), sadly I lost it, but as their gig was last night (Friday) I won’t be advertising it, however, let me know when your next one is, whoever you are so, at least the bassist in the picture was playing a Status, sadly wasn’t a RHINOBASS, AVAILABLE FROM STATUS GRAPHITE. Anyway, all I wanted to say to them was keep it up.

Hull City Hall, Beautiful, pretty much destroyed by Jerry in 1941, but restored and opened by Councillor Rowbotham or something in 1950. Did they do a good job or what? A stunning Art Nouveau, I think, (pretentious, moi?) building, well worth a visit, as indeed we were that night, except if you didn’t have a ticket you couldn’t get in, as, that’s right, we sold out. A very very Right Rockin’ Rivettin’ night, by us for those people from Hull who hopefully will have very bad things happen to them after what they did to the mighty Bees today.

I've done 50 minutes, had enough, laters, you dude and ette.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (etc)

Morning! Just woke up, I look GREAT!!! And my head doesn’t ache or anything.

If it’s Saturday it must be Blackburn, a town of many ethnic groups. Quite odd, on me travels went into the shopping mall, and everyone’s smoking away, not like that in London, in fact I can’t think of a shopping area where you can. Minor point, that, anyway quite a few pound shops (my favourites) and a pub with John on the organ every afternoon from 2 ‘til 4. Really, that’s what it said. Bloody freezing day, miserable place, and as AB wrote "I wouldn’t want to live here"

Gig, whilst nice inside wasn’t a patch on Hull, I think one silly billy (ho-ho) holds the record for the shortest time at a Quo gig, he’d been thrown out by half way through the second song, with a 'what did I do?' look on his face. You acted like a complete schmuck mate, any other questions? We were OK, but billy 10/10.

Southport, another miserable day, but went for an arf in the battleship (battleship cruiser-boozer) next door which claims it’s the smallest pub in England. It ain’t. That’s in Cern Abbas in Dorset I reckon, anyway, who cares? God the drivel, the drivel. One of those places where you feel like you’re playing in your grandma’s lounge, the sound is so polite, and the audience are clapping but you can hardly hear them. We were on the bus leaving the gig, and watched some people coming out, not literally, (what a pathetic attempt at humour) they were really really happy, so the usual 10 I suppose...

Day off at home, luverly, then up at 5 to get to the NETWORK PREMIERE OF THINKING OF YOU, we were going to have the slot the Band Aid video had, you know, all channels simul, symul simultanus... alright, at the same time, but as theirs was for charity, we made a magnanimous gesture and gave it to them, instead opting (such grammar) for a GMTV slot.

It’s going to chart today, don’t know what number, I suspect not as high as You’ll Come Round, but what will be will be.

Anyway, done the telly, very nice people they are there, and went to Oxford, where Messrs. Rossi and Parfitt were doing a book signing session. Walked around the city, which is really lovely, for 4 hours, met up with 2 people who owned 17 massive show dogs between them, barking or what? They were, but nice. "Remember," my gamekeeper friend told me once: "big dog, big shit". I have miniature Schnauzers.

Gig in Oxford reminded me of around a year ago, where I stood on that very stage and got the biggest cheer of the tour, with my 'Come on England!' shout for the Rugby World Cup, which of course we went on to win. Still, the Aussies beat us at Twickenham yesterday. I suspect normal service has been resumed. Good gig, shite sound, but I’m pleased to see (and hear) that Rick seems finally to have put his sound gremlins behind him, he is on top rocking form at present, buy now while stocks last, it really is great to have the Right Rocking Reverend Rock Parfait in the building. I just messed up me lappie again, now all the writing’s coming in from the right hand side of the page, HELP!!!

Croydon 1 triffic, showed a woman my bum, and she showed me hers, from the stage of course, good crack.
Thought that the gig must have been the first of the 2 to go on sale, best billy ever for the Fairfield halls... again great billy. What are we doing that we didn’t on the last tour? (No sarcastic quotes on the MB please) Audience reaction has been storming, keep it up I say. Sure I’m not alone in that sentiment.

Croydon 2 Matt’s best ever gig with the band I’d say. Rick and me were SERIOUSLY giving it some welly. Francis didn’t have a good night, but hey, us 3 did. Ab fab, but Matthew was just amazing. He’s always superb, but this gig was something else in my book, which of course this is.

I’m going to a school in Haverhill in Suffolk tomorrow to talk about the music industry and how I perceive the yoof of today, am wearing brown trousers as we speak, will let you know, now off to church, all of you.

Godxxxx

OK, Buddha