Rhino's XS Tourlog
Part 11: 2 in 1
Rhino Latest from Reuters: "Supermodel Kate Moss has been dropped by many of her clients after being photographed allegedly snorting cocaine. However, she has since had offers to host 2 high profile UK TV programmes, Top Gear and Whose Line is it Anyway?"
The Gomorr showed me that yesterday, not bad huh?

Shagger, our bus driver got me yesterday, am I thick or what? He said "I'm stuck with one clue on my crossword. Postman's round." "How many letters?" I said. "Sackfulls" was the reply. Ouch, had again!

We're on a day off in the to be honest not particularly thrilling, as in bombed to buggery in the war so everything is new and had seconds spent on the planning town of Emden, near Holland, where we're performing tomorrow, so I thought I'd better crack on wiv me log an' ting innit, I left you on the edge of your seats /asleep/you didn't finish the last one, which was the Scanda bit I think, so are you sitting comfortably boys and girls? Then I'll begin...

Back to the UK and Rochester Castle. For those of you who have bought the album, there's a god awful photo of us on the back. Well that's from Rochester Castle. So now you know. Really crap though isn't it, after all the great shots inside the booklet, 5 old gits badly dressed and shot (yeah I know, we should be...) on the back. Still, I ain't Sanctuary, who by the way are doing a brilliant job on us, we're dead chuffed. Rochester is a town in Kent. It has a Castle. We played there. All I can remember is looking out from the stage at the amazing backdrop of the Castle, and thinking "this beats working". Young kid called Andy Cortez opening, not bad, but 16 year olds singing the blues makes me feel a bit odd if you know what I mean.

Sound Check Then off to Norfolk and Blickling Hall, in a field, with Rick Parfitt junior opening for us. He was definitely sporting the old brown trousers before he hit the stage, but needn't have worried, went down really well, albeit I think he tried a tad too hard, but that's something you only learn from doing it.

Guilfest. What a day. The mighty TPF were also playing, in the Surrey Advertiser tent (Rock and F*****roll!!!!) The man from Barnes also joined in on the harmonica, they weren't actually playing at the time, but he didn't seem to care. Just kidding, he was blinding. Their EP is ready now by the way (shameless plug for the fruits of my loins), produced by me, and also featuring TMFB on hungover harmonica. It's called the Mumbo Jumbo EP, and you can get it by emailing crapmodem@hotmail.com. It's £5 or 8 euros (can't find the euro sign on me laptop innit) including postage and packing, and money very well spent I can assure you.

I thought the whole, if you will Guilfest experience was v. good, completely across the board line up on every stage, and by the way I don't care what anyone else says, Daniel Bedingfield was f****** amazing. In my book, he is really underrated. Chas and Dave - magic, Lulu - great, she can still belt 'em out, Marillion - great guys, still going strong as well. All I'm getting at is that you can have a bill as varied as that and everyone goes home happy. We were fantastic I think, itís always great to play to a load of teenagers. Sometimes you look at them and they're yawning or looking round or they bugger off, but they all stayed and had a rocking good time. Then to top it all, we met THE Rolf Harris afterwards, what a nice man, had family with me as well, great day had by all.

FR, RP and Rolf! Liverpool. Tent. Hot. People at front got posh seats. However, this time round they got up, so not so bad. Paul Carrack on first, lovely bloke, shame he supports Sheffield Wednesday. However, last time I looked, they were propping up the Championship One table. See you next season lads... How is it tha (scouse for that) the Liverpudlians can make so much noise? Bloody deafening you lot were! We recorded the gig, and I think that is what's on the Daily Mirror CD from last weekend, so apart from the usual moans from the cloth eared brigade, you can hear how good we were. By the way, whilst I think of it I'm not even going to dignify all the garbage on the message board recently with a response. Ah but you already have, one of you wankers is going to post I'm sure, never mind...

It was good at Liverpool, as opposed to Epsom. The day had gone really well, took the family. I gave all the kids a tenner each for a punt, my Maisie Mae came out with £56! Little cow wouldn't even buy me a drink!! Just as we were going on the PA went off. Well some of it did, 'cos I remember hearing our sound man Andy Mays' voice loud and clear saying "this f****** s*** system isn't f****** working". I got news for you... But there was a major problem, and the onstage sound was really vile, I don't know what was coming out of the system, but I'm not sure it was that good, still by the way nothing to do with us (is anything? impossible, we are Rock Gods I'll have you know!). No really, it wasn't our PA, it won't happen again I've been reliably informed by someone not a million miles from here.

Off to Scotland, with my Fred in tow for a day off in Aberdeen before a pretty chilly gig at Crathes Castle, Andy Cortez again, still think it odd etc... Lovely meet and greet, all yoof, and all mad Quo billy, excellent. I love playing outside, no one moans about the bass being too loud, which of course is how it should be, as it is by far the most important instrument in any band. Ask Quozone! Then off to Manchester to record the music for Corrie, which was interesting, left nos 1,2 and 5 there, 3 and 4 headed home.

Last before summer break was Newmarket, where I managed to LOSE £56, precisely the same amount as Mae won. (her name was Mae won) This music thing is definitely in the blood you know, as she's been chosen to be the drummer in the school orchestra! Let's kick some ass Maisie! Talking of families, which I now am, Max my eldest starts uni on Saturday. For those of you who have had the same thing for whatever reason, isn't it a complete bastard when they go? I just don't want him to leave, how dare he not be at home when I get back from tour! Breaks my heart actually, end of a era and all that, but you got to let go in the end. Ain't easy though... Enough of my blubbing, Met Crook and Marc Quo at Newmarket, and the chairman of Lincoln City FC, he looked young enough to be one of me kids. Let's face it, most people are now... 1200 billy, bit of a goldfish bowl but great fun anyway.

I haven't had a drink for 10 days now, it's weird watching others get drunk around you, if it wasn't for the heroin I don't know what I'd do... Here's to Kaliber!

The man with the horn.

PS. Don't forget to read next weeks thrilling instalment of Rhino's Tour Log, on sale now at a LIDL near youxxx (Or ALDI)

The day after...

I must be bored, this is the day after the last one, good old Emden, although I did take the Rev. Rock out last night for a romantic Chinese for 2, total cost 9 euros. Who says I don't splash out from time to time? Anyway, back to Rhino of the Rovers.

After a short break in Snowdonia with the family, which involved walking up Snowdon, fantastic scenery and my new car breaking down in Beddgelert (a beautiful village in the middle of Snowdonia), it vos back to verk, slumming it at the Monte Carlo Sporting Club, a sit down gig, never seen so much jewellery in one room. I looked out before we went on, and butler type people were showing everyone to their seats, uh-oh I thought, we're going to go down like the proverbial brick, mais non mes amis. Nous avons torn it up dans un grand way, all that top totty with dosh, ahhh. I know looks aren't everything, but phwoar, and other comic book words like that.

Helping out in Monaco were honorary crew members Simon Thompson and Michael Collie (see pic at bottom), who paid oodles of dough to the Nordoff Robbins Charity to be roadies for the day. They were absolute rubbish but they could definitely hold their end up with the crew on the drinking front, brave lads... Thanks a lot guys!

Amazing view of Monaco from the stage, and Liverpool won some cup as well the same night at the Monaco stadium, so a 2-0 win for les Rostbeefs. That Gallic interlude was all for Melle, a French fan who tells me she can't understand my writing. What's the matter with you? It's all simple innit? Innit? Well er actually it's not Rhino. Houe dayre youe!!!

Overnight in our all singing and dancing new bus to Zurich and the Hallenstadion, new improved version. 13000 Swiss billy and billetes (isn't that French for tickets?) went mental, they have this kind of staid image as a nation the Swiss, but they know how to rock, yes indeedy, and showed their normal impeccable taste by buying all the tickets to the show 3 months before we did the gig, great time was had by all.

On to Huttwil, middle of nowhere, pure Teletubby cuckoo clock scenery, absolutely stunning and clean, nervous breakdown narrowly averted as England beat the Aussies to take a 2-1 lead in the Ashes series (another one for our French readers) 15 minutes before show time.

We saw a great Swiss band in the afternoon there, theyíre called Vivian, watch this space... Not as many billy, apparently the flooding there was so severe it stopped a lot of people whoíd already bought tickets from coming, bummer, as you also missed the mighty Clawfinger, as full of serious attitude as ever, and just superb in my book. They even boast Rickís favourite bass player, who I swear has a double jointed neck, canít believe his head didnít fall off. We did our show, and itís a mutual thing, they were all watching us from the side, nice one the Claw...

Anyway, thatís a little codicil (get you with your big words Edwards) to the layst laag, all this non drinking (11 days now) is getting to me.

Clausthalle roolsa!

Honorary Crew Members

Top 3 pics by Dave Salt
Four onstage at Guildfest by Simon Cooper
Bottom pic of Quo with Simon and Michael by Dave Salt.

To Rhino's Tourlog Index

XS All areas Tourlog:
Part 1  |   Part 2  |   Part 3  |   Part 4  |   Part 5
Part 6  |   Part 7  |   Part 8  |   Part 9  |   Part 10
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