Part 4: The UK tour... #2
How's it goin'? We're on t'bus, en route from Braintree to Bournemouth, d'ya see the way I switch from authentic Northern to French there, must be my NEW vibramatic laptop. Yes indedee folks, as the previous one decided to give up the ghost yesterday. I went to PC World (I really shouldn't go there. The staff didn't take kindly to being called bigtits, and the girls/bints/tarts didn't like it either. Sexist? Moi?) and spent 700 quid on this one, it's a Packard Bell, the last one I shall ever own, so it shall henceforth be known as the Packard Bellend. I've also got a new name for this shite, it's now Rhino's tour glob.

As I've lost my memory and my hard drive so to speak I don't remember where I was in me glob solutions logistics, but I think it was Manchester, well it is now. The best gig at Manchester Arena for some years, in fact the first for some years... We've been playing the Apollo for a while, but the promoter's moved us into here, according to the local paper we played to 15 thousand billy, I reckon it was about 6000, but hey, if it's in the papers it must be true, of course it is. Manchester also had the funniest moment of the tour when the kibucki (curtain at the front) got stuck for about 3 minutes, pure Spinal Tap, we were cracking up. Mention in despatches to Jacob of Denmark who climbed up and moved it.

Elvis is alive, in fact I am actually Elvis. Apparently I'm as fat as he was according to the message board. You people are SICK! I weigh 67 kilos, but since receiving numerous death threats I have taken to wearing body armour which weighs 15 kilos on stage, unfortunately I have to wear it around my stomach, which I grant you could give the impression of a bit of a gut, but you're all wrong. OK? So there!!!

Anyone who calls me a liar will be mentioned in the Glob 185000 times, so will owe me 83k, no, 97k OK a lot of dough, any takers? I thought not. So that's that cleared up then. I will finish this Glob tonight, although the standard may vary as my alchohol (pissed already I think) I meant alcohol intake rises.

Back to matters Quo. What a great night, on a par with Newcastle for all of us, even Ricardo Parfaito had a serious night in the sonic department, AND I shook hands WITH THE Sir Les Battersby, actor of this parish, v. good gig, on to the Arena bit we are, Birmingham next, was always going to be a bit on an anticlimax after the unforgettable night we had, whenever it was. I don't remember it but I'll never forget it.

The 27s. It's got to be a top time for them, they got to be on the tour, and came over to have a good rockin' time and do an "if you will, rockumentary" about their trip. I can't honestly say I'm a fan, but since the tour began the improvement in them as a band is evident. They're really nice blokes (Oz for men) and have very kindly not put the knife in about us getting STUFFED in the Ashes, for that Steve, John and Dave I salute you. Also said bye to the Swiss band Vivian, such good cats. The drummer Stefan's wife is giving birth today, good luck to you all.

Back to business... about that Arena run, forget it. Brangwyn Hall Swansea. It PISSED down (I'm obviously getting inebriated now, using CAPS LOCK on a regular basis) I went shopping, bought my Mae a serious umbrella for Xmas, of course I had to try it out on my walk to the gig in the rain, it does seem to have a few marks on it, but she'll never know. Unless one of you good souls tell her. Which you won't. Big Ron an'all that. What a beautiful (think of saying that word in a Welsh accent, as I've said before and you'll get what I mean) and I mean beautiful building. Funny old gig, it was also on Antiques Roadshow (coincidentally my favourite programme) the same night, two teenage girls told me they loved me, not a bad life really, and they weren't visually impaired. At least I think so. Actually to digress for a second, I had the most bizarre pair of pants thrown on the stage at Braintree which had written on them "Rhino you light my fire". At least it wasn't " Rhino you light my far(p94)" Ok getting pissed, I blame that Mathew and his unfeasibly large Vodka Tonic.
Anyway, not bad, not good, just OK.

Nottingham, oh m'god a new venue, a bit like the Belfast one, which means vast amounts to those of you that weren't in Belfast, but as then it seemed that a lot of people were a very long way away. Really good fun though, Mrs. V. Letley, lay preacher of this parish was to been seen armed with video camera, along with the lovely Grace and Rose.

Telford. We thought not so good, soundman he say heap mighty good sound, billy him agree, job done.
Got to go Matthew has just overdosed on smack again and needs resuscitating.
Sorted, he'll live, and anyway there's only one gig to go.

Brighton, saw Jody, daughter of Jeff Rich, which was mighty nice, one of our better ones. By the way, I reckon our great run of form is in no small part down to the Killer. He just gets better and better, don't y'all think? Big hand for Letley ladees and gentlemen. Rossi voice big cause for concern however, at one point he said "I sound just like Bonnie Tyler!" which a) cracked me up and b) was true. Collective pant cacking re Wembley, but the GOMORR is a real trouper, he just said he was doing it, what a guy. The most stressful day of the year, loads of guests, family out in force etc. me total pain in arse, brilliant gig, really rocked out we did, GOMORR got through it. We also had a serious billy for company. In true showbiz parlance, give yourselves a round of applause, come on Scotland, you got a lot to live up to.

OK, I give in, you win. Glasgow, back at the Arena as opposed tgo the Armadillo, watching 7000 of yez going mental, not sure I didn't personally prefer the other gaff, whatever, the Rhino chant was amazing, and really embarrassing, I'm actually quite shy, but don't tell anybody. GTG as they say as we're just arriving in Bournemouth, ready for the last one.

And that's about it ladiesandgentlemenboysandgirls. We are to be honest all secretly relieved to be where we are now after the cancellation problems of the last 2 years. In conclusion (and this is a long conclusion).

I could mention the rest of the gigs we've done, but you know, we play the same set every night, so some don't really stand out. The one thing we do is give it some every night, no one leaves here empty handed. However, Edinburgh. Yes!!!!! Shit kicking rock and roll., better than Glasgow, twice in a row that is.

Do you know that I've been doing this shit for nearly 10 years? Time flies by when you're enjoying yourself, doesn't it?
We're probably going to change the format to a video glob to go with SQTV, but hey folks, that's showbiz, so if I don't see you you'll see me on SQTV, what a brill catchphrase!!!

I haven't quite finished. As yet another Christmas comes around, it only remains for me to blow smoke up your collective arses. As Francis said in Birmingham, you lot are probably the best fans in the world. That's not true. You are definitely the best. Thanks for making this tour one of the best ever. Love from all of us, have a great Festive season, see you someplace, though in 2007 not so many someplaces, get it while you can...

Still not finished. Got to thank our amazing crew, and the Danish team from Nordic sound, who've been working flat out on the audio and visual equipment. (sound and lights to you) The 27s, our brilliant caterers, Lee, Jo Jo and Zoe, God, Brentford, drugs and anyone else who knows me.

One last thing...
QUO ROCK LIKE F***!!!! (actually that's stupid with those asterisks) so I'll say it proper. QUO ROCK LIKE FRED!!!! Eh?

Go and get fatter now.
All pics by
Christie 'the Duck' Goodwin and Patrick 'The Chief' Cusse

Just Doin' It 2006/7 tourlog:
Part 1  |   Part 2  |   Part 3  |   Part 5

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