Brought to you by the makers of I'm a Latvian celebrity nun hail Mary get me out of here and the early evening regional news round up on BBC 25, Look Nor nor east, achtung! Bandits at 2 o'clock ahh you got me! now get me out of here as well as the Latvian nuns... So orft we jolly well go.
Achtung! Is quite fitting as zis chapter of me cack is abaat our German tour earlier this year. To be perfectly honest I wasn't looking forward to it after France, however I needn't have worried. Leipzig is nowadays a lovely German city, Jesus it must have cost you Germans so much, the reunification, but boy it's a good job being done. Those 2 wars were so costly on all levels, but at least we all seem to be winning the peace in Europe at last.
Blimey, a bit of deep thought there, please edit all of that last passage, I mean... I remember the gig, a very decadent looking art nouveau type place, god, art nouveau and wars already? Lock up your bratwurst Frauleins, here's Johanny.
Very noisy, the rockin' TREWS! doing this leg as well, I think they found the going a bit tougher here, but that can indeed make you work harder, I've said it before and I'll say it again (now there's a first - not) the BEST opening act for years in meine buch. I just can't be bothered to tell what my book is in German; you'll just have to look it up. The station at Leipzig is a beautiful building and has the most brilliant food court, remember that next time you're there, which of course you will be soon...
Karlsruhe next, where I was quite surprised to get a call from the most famous person I know telling me his relationship had gone to the wall and how sad he was. "Well Tony" I said, "I always had Gordon down as a bit of a knobhead". No it wasn't him, but someone else, and I hope you sort it mate. I know he won't mind me telling you his name, it was the Pope.
Here's a Pope joke, sent to me by my mate Jack, old but good:
After getting Pope Benedict's entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver,
Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my licence -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Chief: "The Governor?"
Chief: "The President?"
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " Have you been drinking, John?"
Cop: "No Sir."
Chief: "Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
Friday night gig Karlsruhe was, tables and chairs at back. I could have had the Scampi but plumped for the Spicy chicken wings.
Frankfurt, Saturday. Stayed in bed all day feeling shite, hope I'm not ill or something. All I remember about the show was quite a few Brits there.
Sunday. Hamburg. I'm not ill, hoorah. Up in time for yet another great station and food court, lovely day for a stroll around the lake. As in France, no shops open, people out promenading if you will, lovely relaxed place. On to gig, and, oh m'god, an EXTRA BAND! Yessirrebob, a 3 band bill, First on, the mighty DORO. With leather clad rock chick singer, tap into Hamburg. Went out front and watched. Did nuffink for me at all, but there were a few fists being punched in the air. Maybe they wanted a fight.
Next to Augsburg, where I had my own hotel (see Sacre bleu. Hey right on babe, see Sacre bleu, my last gbol). Killer, Bown, Edwards and Trews went out for a night of meat and beer. By the way, belated congrats to Sean, their drummer on getting arrested in Lyon. Oh to be young. We had meat and beer. Lots of it. Great night, look forward to the next one. Nice gig, in a gym hall type affair.
Rosenheim next, where I did my last ever interview. Everything I say in them always comes out wrong, and is never what I mean so I have decided in future I'll just keep putting my foot in it exclusively in me Glob. Yeah baby!! Lovely town as well, Southern Germany has more than its share of lovely towns and cities, e.g. Regensburg, Ulm, maybe they weren't bombed so much. There I go again, but Hamburg for instance was obviously beautiful before it was flattened by the Allies, what a waste of everything.
Day off in Siegen, which I gather is not one of the better places in Germany, I went off to Paderborn for a family trip and picked up that Fred of mine, he's with us for a couple of days. A stonking' gig if I remember, (I just did spell check on stonking, it came up as stinking and I pressed change. I only just noticed, that would've been weird, I can just see the topic on the MB "Rhino says Siegen stinks" Or not.) which of course I do as it was only 2 months ago. It's quite odd actually, I can remember so many gigs over the last 21 years (or is that days?) Madison Square Garden in particular stands out, as do the Ruskin Arms and Sydney Opera house.
Stuttgart, best gig of tour, Boiling hot, rammed to the rafters, Francis on great form with the verbals, really funny, we did kick royally.
Chemnitz is a shithole. Sorry but I think it is. The people don't look happy there, I don't know why but I don't blame them. I also went to a model railway sale in the morning, No I'm NOT sad, how many of you lot have done that. OK how many of you would want to do that. OK I'm sad. However, a mighty fine billy, hi to Mona, my biggest German fan who was there, well actually she's quite little, but well nice, she can't speak English, she just speaks the language of LURVE The GDR was such a cock-up, they'll finish Chemnitz properly one day which brings me nicely back to where I started, which begs the question, is this the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning. F*** knows.
UK Here we come!!!
PS. Thanks to Tommy, the mad Austrians and Germany as a hole (I just noticed I've written hole instead of whole! Don't even think about it.) for such good beer. However, we won't mention the wine...
PPS. Here's to the Trews.
In Search Of The Fourth Chord tourlog 2007/8: