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Thursday 25th May 2000. Ich bin shitfaced, but who gives ein scheise ? Aloha from Humbug, Doitchlaand, home of Buy 1 Mewnick. Has one got news for you! I get the feeling this could take a while, so settle back in your comfy chairs while I give you the hard word. It's like this look you boyo... 
March 2000, Astoria Studios, Mixing of FITLC.Jeff has left, which has already been well documented, so we won't go into that again, except to once again wish him good luck in the future... but what the hell are we going to do??? Enter SUPERRHINO. "Look! Over there!" he cries, and while the rest of the band's heads are turned, he changes into a costume, which, as it contains a Rhino's head, is much to heavy to fly in. Thus, by taking a minor detour, involving bus route numbers 65, 623, 21, several changes and certain marital aids, he arrives in darkest Beckenham, Kent, home of the fabled Matthew "red meat" Letley, drummer of that parish. "Willst thou help us in our hour of need, oh great skin basher, for we have sore knees (make that need) of an animal to make us rock oneth?" (Is there such a word? There is now!). "Only a lot!!" was the pretty non-biblical, I have to say, response. So that was that. I tell you, this band is NOT like any other, I informed the OMORRs and TMFB that Matthew was available, and their response was, "OK, he's in". Talk about sold unseen, it wasn't even that, but I knew they were going to be impressed. When someone's heart isn't in it, as Jeffs' wasn't, you don't know what it is, but it becomes a bit like you're all on autopilot. You still give it 100%, but there aren't any surprises or rough edges, which, call me old fashioned, make for real Rock and Roll, you know, sorry kids, I'm just about to swear, but fuck all this playing it safe, that is NOT the name of the game. 
Anyway, Matt's got all the tapes and stuff, I've spoken to him a few times, he and I go back, by the way, we first met on Judie Tzuke's 1985 tour, and have worked together quite often since, but don't let that put you off. It's all going fine, getting ready to rehearse, and then Andrew calls David Walker and says he's got to take time out, for reasons which are fully understood.Andrew...We love y'all, you are a real brother, and that don't come near to what we think, but we miss you maaan. 
Soooo… Pass me the brown trousers and put the bogroll in the fridge, I may be some time (bit like this effing log!) Not only do we have to rehearse in a new drummer, but we also have to find a dep for TMFBxxx.Enter SUPERRHINO!!! Once more. ...to go beyond civilisation to the warzone of Bushey, Herts, near the Hornet tribe of Watfordians (what for indeed? arf arf) to the home of unsuspecting multinstrumentalist Paul Hirsh. "Paul, do you want to step in for Status Quo? Change that. You are doing it, like it or not." Paul will be familiar to those of you who have seen 4 Bills over the years, anyway, more of that later. It was a bit surreal, at 6.40 Andrew's made the call, at 7.00 we've got a replacement, funny old game this music stuff. Anyway, to rehearsals... 
Day 1. AARGH!!!!After 15 years, if I don't know what IT is, then I'm never going to know. This isn't something I can easily articulate (when could I ever?), but there's only one way to play Status Quo music, and that's the right way. I know that sounds really crass, but in a lot of other bands, the music is a variation on a theme. There is only one Status Quo type band, love us or hate us, that's what it is. Matthew hadn't copped it before he started, but how could he? Anyway, we played Don't Waste My Time, and in fact it was a waste of time, in fact everything we tried that day felt so wrong, Francis called me at home in the evening. It went a bit like this: "Francis here John boy, You're shitting yourself, aren't you?" "Yep" "You're not alone" One sleepless night later... Day 2. UH HUH As if it wasn't enough with Matt starting, it was also Paul's first day. Top marks to them both by the way for being absolute professionals in doing the necessary homework to learn the arrangements of the songs. They would put us three to shame in a different situation. We had to start learning a set, it was too late to stop now. I kept thinking "OK, we've got to accept that Jeff's not here anymore, and TMFB is away for a time. From now on it's different, we got to move on." 
So, we worked and worked. And Matt and Paul worked and worked and worked and worked and worked and worked, and thus it came to pass that on day 2, between the god given hours of 2 and 3, that the Rain did come. The Rain did come, and the Rain did rock like it had never rocked before, and St Rhino did retire in search of ale and a box of Kleenex, The Rain sounded so w***off good, aahmen. Is that the right spelling, or am I gay? Jumpers foe goal posts, Gigsy Wigsy, young boys in the park, my wife's left me... Shut up you twit. OK. Seriously, late on day 2, Matt started to cop the Quo thing, not completely, but getting there. Not much time to listen to Paul, but he seemed to be getting on with it, poor bugger, he really had to do a lot on his own. So to: 
Day 3. TOTP Rehearsals.This was a real fly in the ointment. We were doing our best ever single Mony Mony, Yes folks I am totally sincere, signed Richard Nixon... ...plus 3 extra songs. Mony Mony for that weeks' edition, and Whatever You Want, Paper Plane and RAOTW for future transmission. TMFB, being the top man he is, did the TV, so we rehearsed with him and Matthew, who was by now really starting to get the hang of it all and relaxing, I'm sure he was absolutely shitting himself on the first days' rehearsal. I know I was when I started. It was now really starting to rock. It's such a great thing for a musician to be playing songs they've covered over the years with the guys who actually made them. Which is another reason why Paul and Matt are both giving it so much welly, what more do you want than fans who are top in your band? Anyway, this is getting boring. 
Day 4 TOTP.Came and went, quite odd playing to 250 under 15's, but they sure as anything liked it. Met Liam from Oasis, who were also playing live for later transmission, watched the rest of the show (they record TOTP 1 and 2 in the same studio consecutively). Why are so many new English bands shite? No wonder the Americans are dominating the charts. Come on UK! Where are the new stars? Don't tell me Westlife are more successful than the Beatles, rest my ears, you...never mind, getting boring again. I'm totally ripped and off to me zimmerframe and cup of cocoa, but hey, the bitch is back. We got a kick up the arse when Jeff went, and I'm afraid from now on you get New Improved Quo, with all the attitude that entails. SO, lock up your teabags, shave your armpits, and prepare to rock. Remember kids, If your parents don't buy you a copy of Rhino's Revenge when it's released in September, they don't love you... but I do xxxxx Part 2 to follow, nighty night,  |
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