Well good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the latest edition of non smokers weakly, if you never smoked you don’t understand how hard it is to go cold turkey. I did it at the second Basingstoke gig, and it’s actually been murder ever since. Apart from feeling really good about myself, saving money and giving myself the chance of a longer life, there’s absolutely nothing to recommend it. Ask Dennis Potter. Who? You might say. Well, numbers two through five on the baggage tags have just watched The Singing Detective on the old DVD, amazing TV in my absof******lutely humble opinion of course. 

I’m in Copenhagen, after a 22 hour trip from Liverpool which began last night, So, about the other stuff. The GOMORR got well sick before the 1st Bristol. Sound check 2nd day, obvious he couldn’t do it. Sorry to all youse that travelled all that way, really, especially you non republican voters from the US of A what had cum over 4 a rite good tyme. 

So we moved on to Manchester to see what was going to happen, re Liverpool, Manchester etc. Nothing. Didn’t do gigs, so on Saturday went to see TWFBFC at Sheffield Wednesday. HA HA!!!!!! If you support the Owls, and you are reading this, then read ‘em and weep, ‘cos you were Crap with a capital K. TMWFBFC won 2-1, smash and grab etc. nearly got my head kicked in (really) by some Wednesday "supporters", come on it’s only a game. 

Went back home same night, waited for a call. Got one, it said game on again, starting at Harrogate, duly got train up, arrived at 4.30, gig cancelled at 4.35, is it me I asked myself, but I must say as soon as I saw Francis I knew it was not going to happen, he looked awful, as in really not well. I know that’s cue a big ahh from the few, OK thousands of female fans he has, but he really did look shite, and cancelling was the best thing. Tried NEC, but it was obvious that was it for now. We were good, but Rossi was patently (better word than obviously, as I mentioned that in the last sentence) struggling, even though he got through it with flying colours, great audience, you lot got him through it. 

As with Harrogate, he thought he’d be fine, but it just wasn’t the case, however we went ahead, am I digging myself into a hole here? Should I be looking to Spear and Jackson for sponsorship? As I may be I shall move on, specifically to my New year’s eve party. Hope you all had a good one. Again, numbers 2 thru 5 (how American is that?) were there, and a right bangin’ time was had by all 80 of us, very weird evening, having a party after all that happened with the terrible effects of the Tsunami. By the way, Jeff Rich was in it, he really has been traumatised by what he saw, so if you see him at a school or something, give him a kiss from me, serious. 

The party mood was livened up by the fact that on the 31st, we got a letter informing us that our eldest Max has been offered a place at Emmanuel College, Cambridge to read Philosophy. YEEF******HAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And you know what? It couldn’t happen to a nicer bloke. OK waffling, what you really want to know is how the gigs were. Well Yah boo sucks at the moment, as I am in the middle of something else. When I know what it is I shall tell you. Until then, back off boogaloo, OK? See you Mr. And Mrs. John Doexx 

By the way, everything I write is only my opinion of things, not necessarily the bands'. That's why it's Rhino's tour log, and as CNN says, "the views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of CNN". 

Next afternoon, downtown Copenhagen, I just love this city, it's so easy and laid back, also quite small, which means that even I, direction man don't get lost. The Danes are great, but there's one thing sorely lacking in this country. Do you know what that is? Well do ya? I'm going to tell you anyway...
Primula, not from the tub but the tube. Me, being a man of missions, as in I always set myself a task whenever I go out, be it inventing the wheel, saving the world, or in this case finding a tube of Primula, which for all you heathens out there is a cheesy spreadkindofthingmate, goes on crisp bread etc. In some areas of Scandinavia on a Sunday afternoon things like that can mean the difference between eating or not. I have scoured this place looking for some, did I find any? Of course not, coat?... 

So, with not a little wearing of brown trousers, it was off to Scarborough, the pokiest backstage you can imagine, and 4 quid a pint I was told! What!!! By the way I now have a digicam, so hopefully this log thing can be extended to become more of a behindthescenesflyonthewallwhtadyasayenoughofmyyakkinletsboogie kind of thing. We'll see. 

By the way, if you read that last word kind of thing and can understand it a) let me know and b) get out more... The gig was a big worry for Francis, he'd said he felt fine but just didn't have the energy, and the amount of gasping for breath he was doing between songs had me thinking I can't see us getting through the tour, no way. He said he'd see how he felt he next day, which was Blackpool. (I digress here for a moment-really Rhino, there's a first).  

We walked through the Empress ballroom to get to the theatre and there was all this stuff on the floor, looked like bird shit, quite bizarre, in the room where the Tories used to have their conferences, maybe they just hadn't cleaned it since then (ooh, political). No, it really was pigeon shit. The day before there had been a huge pigeon fanciers convention in the room, and it was full of feathered crap. 

Anyway, the gig was much better, in fact I couldn't believe how spanking good we were, what with the lay off and Francis' health. He was a bit out of breath, but at least we were a bit more relaxed about the prospect of cracking on. 

Harrogate. Small stage, don't mind the no barrier bit usually, prefer it in fact, but this one is just wrong. There's something about this gig we never look forward to, not the billy, just the venue, same shit this time, so best left, saw me old mate Trevor again, thanks for the CD. Then the mighty Manchester Apollo, one of those "we've 'ad 'em all 'ere places, and what a gig it was. A real true fan at the meet and greet, she asked where Jeff Rich was... What a wicked stage, best audience of the tour, top totty, what more to say, not a bad life really. 

On then to Bristol. We were supposed to do a pair of Bristols (nudge nudge, eh?), but had to pull one (bumtitbugger-J.Edwards, aged 13 and one one quarter). Tried to find another digicam for the man from Barnes. £44.99 at Dixon’s, money very well spent I can assure you folks, look, the meanest and scruffiest man in rock has an image to live up to OK? Look, let me save you some dosh. It's a FujifilmA403, reduced from £100, and it's fantastic. I am serious. And I don't get a commission from them. Well, not much... 

Here, how's this for conscience salving. Our manager, Mr. Simon Portly has been a member of his local gym (which is pretty f***OFF smart) and hasn't been ONCE. So, he's a tad (only a tad?) chunky, but keeps saying he's going to go to start working out soon. This is my new naming and shaming policy, how dare you mention people in glass houses? 

Sorry, gig. Lots of front rowers, Aunty Pam has in fact had a name change and is now known as Daisy, which has more a je ne sais quoi about it, don't you think mes amis? Ms. rally driver. Thanks for the pasties by the way, can't remember your name at present, senior moment, but you fancy the killer, you know who you are. 

This is the advanced stages of HIV in a literary stylee now, I am descending into full blown waffle, and there is no known cure apart from turning off the computer. Oh yes, the concert. Thanks for coming everyone, the gig came and went and so did we, I can't actually remember that much about it, what do you think of the drum solo? Apart from where it comes in, I think it's well good, the killer can't half whack them skins and metal bits, can't he? We went off to Liverpool, where I got to meet rockin' Ethan and his dad, Brian. Brian has in fact just ordered an all singing all dancing R****bass from S***** guitars, just think if 60 of you buy a camera from Dixon’s and put the money you saved together you could buy one and have for a week at a time, in fact like a timeshare. Dy'a know, I just don't understand where all these great ideas come from. Did you know I also invented wine and beer. Are you calling me a liar? Right that's it, I am going. 

I shall however leave you with the news that Liverpool was great, I got to meet the greatest living Scot, LordSirGod Mr. Kenny Dalgleish, and after the gig, as we had a 22 hour (yes 22) bus trip to get to Denmark I went to the Philharmonic pub across the street for a quick pint, and of course there some fans there. What lovely people they all were, made me feel pretty humble actually, such genuine affection for the band and the people in it. One bloke said "as long as I've got breath left in me body I'm a Quo fan" Say no more... So I won't. Great audience, have you seen Tokyo Dragons yet? Think they're great, and they're now doing the Scottish shows, which is good for them, getting better every gig. Right, begone foul spot, 

Nosser (bollocks in Danish) 

Me. 

PS. This is an unashamed plug for the Mods, a great, funnily enough, 60s band I play with from time to time, and that some of you boarders check out occasionally. Well, they're playing the Fairfield Hall Croydon, at the Ashcroft bit on Feb 12th. Details at www.themodsband.com Nepotism? Moi?. 
Should be a great night. 



All Photos by Gert Ohlsson